When Big Feelings Get Stuck: How Kids Can Heal from Trauma

By Oceann Gittens, PhD | Postdoctoral Clinician | The Ardent Grove Foundation
When Big Feelings Get Stuck: How Kids Can Heal from Trauma

Whether it’s tears after losing a game, worries about making friends, or anger after their sibling “borrows” their belongings, children often have trouble processing difficult emotions. Children have an even harder time managing their feelings after traumatic events, like losing a parent, witnessing violence, and experiencing a natural disaster. 

 

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), over two-thirds of children report experiencing at least one traumatic event by age 16. If left unaddressed, trauma can affect every aspect of a child’s development. SAMHSA notes that children with traumatic stress are more likely to struggle academically, face learning difficulties, and rely heavily on health and mental health services. They may also be at greater risk of involvement with the juvenile justice system and face long-term physical and emotional health challenges.

 

Children may be holding on to difficult emotions even if they haven’t experienced these “big T” traumatic events. “Little t” traumas are experiences that may not seem like a big, scary incident when they occur, but they can still deeply affect a child’s sense of safety, self-worth, or sense of stability. These “little t’s” can compile over time and be just as impactful as the “big T” events. Some examples include:

  • Moving frequently or changing schools often
  • Ongoing conflict at home
  • Experiencing bullying or frequent teasing
  • Feeling rejected at school, home, or with peers
  • Ongoing academic struggles
  • Worrying about their parents (health, stress)
  • Embarrassing or shaming experiences

 

Not every child who experiences these events will develop long-term difficulties; however, some signs that your child may be struggling to process some difficult emotions may include consistent anxiety and chronic worrying, low self-esteem, peer difficulties, or even trouble with anger and aggression. Symptoms can also look different depending on your child’s age:

 

Preschoolers (ages 3-5):

  • Frequent nightmares or fear of going to sleep
  • Loss of developmental skills (potty training setbacks, increased “baby” talk)
  • Separation anxiety (clinginess beyond what’s typical for age)
  • Increased startle response and difficulty calming when upset
  • Repetitive play around an aspect of the upsetting event

 

School-age children (ages 6-11):

  • Frequent physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches) without a clear medical cause
  • Regression (e.g., wanting to sleep with parents again, reverting to younger play)
  • Extremes in interactions with new people (intense fear or clinginess)
  • School refusal or sudden decline in school performance
  • Obsessive worrying, shutting down when upset, or increased conduct issues

 

Adolescents (ages 12-18):

  • Heightened reactivity (anger outbursts, defensiveness)
  • Escaping into technology, gaming, or online worlds as an avoidance
  • Difficulty maintaining friendships/relationships due to mistrust or reactivity
  • Emotional numbing, withdrawal from family and friends, or “shutting down”
  • Increased risky behaviors (substance use, reckless driving, skipping school)
  • Disinterest in activities, sudden changes in sleep/appetite, or self-harm

 

If you notice several of these symptoms in your child, you may fear that there is something “wrong” with your child. Rest assured, oftentimes children just need some time to process what they are going through and a little support from the adults in their lives!

 

How adults can support healing

Parents, caregivers, teachers, and community members all play an essential role in helping children process their emotions and heal from both big and little t’s. Some foundational steps include:

  1. Ensuring safety: help your child to feel safe and secure. If recovering from a specific event, remind them that the event is over and they are safe now. Once children are removed from their stressors, they often begin to recover on their own.
  2. Fostering consistency: When things are constantly changing, life feels chaotic and unsafe. Predictable routines and environments can help children feel a sense of control. 
  3. Offering calmness: Children often look to their caregivers to determine how they should respond to situations. The better you are able to take care of yourself, regulate your own emotions, and model that calmness to your child, the more secure they will also feel. 

 

In addition to these tips, it may be helpful to reassure children that whatever happened to them was not their fault and remind them that you are not mad at them when addressing their symptoms. Unfortunately, children often don’t understand why something happened to them, leading them to internalize the event and “act out” rather than express their emotional pain. Offering reminders of love, understanding, and reassurance can go a long way. 

 

When your child needs a little extra support

Parents and caregivers are central to a child’s recovery, but supporting a child through trauma can be taxing and overwhelming at times. Despite your best efforts, some children will need more structured help to move through their experiences. This is where therapy can make a big difference. Several evidence-based approaches have been shown to help children process trauma and regain a sense of safety:

  1. Play-based therapy: For younger children, play is the primary way of understanding the world. Through toys, art, music, and movement, children can explore and process feelings they may not be able to verbalize.
  2. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CBT combines education about trauma, coping skills, and building exposure to one’s own “trauma narrative”. Children learn how to identify their feelings, manage big emotions, and reframe unhelpful thoughts.
  3. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is an evidence-supported trauma therapy that helps people of all ages reprocess traumatic memories using bilateral movement (e.g., looking or tapping back and forth). One of its strengths is that children don’t have to talk about every detail of the event; instead, they can hold the memory or associated feelings in their mind and process them through drawing, play, or sharing feelings in ways that feel safe for them.
  4. Family Therapy: Because trauma can affect the whole family system, involving parents and siblings in therapy can help improve communication, reduce conflict, and strengthen supportive bonds. Family therapy is especially helpful when the trauma is connected to family stressors, loss, or recurring conflict.

 

Each child is unique, so the right approach depends on your child’s developmental level, unique personality, and—ultimately—what feels safe for them. The good news is that multiple effective options exist, and many children show significant improvement once they begin treatment. Check out the organizations below to find support in your area.

 

  • SAMHSA’s National Helpline: a free, confidential resource for finding treatment services for mental health and substance use concerns, available in English and Spanish 24/7.
  • National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN): Provides education, treatment resources, and a locator tool for trauma‑informed services.
  • Child Mind Institute: Offers practical resources on trauma, mental health, and therapy options for children and teens.
  • The Ardent Grove Foundation: a non-profit mental health agency that provides accessible mental health services in-person and via telehealth for residents in Colorado and New York.